


I love you endlessly | Cordelia Goode x reader

by perpetuumclausus



Series: ahs drabbles [13]
Category: American Horror Story, American Horror Story: Apocalypse, American Horror Story: Coven
Genre: Eating Disorder, F/F, Insecurity, body issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-07
Updated: 2019-05-07
Packaged: 2020-02-27 14:44:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18741175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/perpetuumclausus/pseuds/perpetuumclausus





	I love you endlessly | Cordelia Goode x reader

"Honey?" Hearing the word panicked you. You didn't think anyone would even be awake that early - certainly not Cordelia. Why would she be roaming the halls so early in the morning? Why hadn't the sink drowned out the sounds? You flushed the toilet and rinsed out your mouth, trying your hardest to not look as terrible as you felt. She knocked again and leaned her small frame against the door. "Honey, please let me in." You unlocked the door to worried eyes scanning the room, searching for answers. "Are you sick?" she asked next, her eyes scanning from the toilet seat to the stained towel on the sink. "No, I - no, I'm okay," you lied. "I thought maybe I needed to vomit, but I didn't, so." Cordelia's eyes locked on the vomit colored stain exposed on the towel. "Are you sure that you're feeling okay?" she asked. "Yeah," you answered cautiously. The worried expression didn't want to leave the older witch's face. She stepped forward to feel your forehead. "I'm fine," you said defensively. "I just want to see if you have a fever." You pulled back again, away from Cordelia's grasp. "I'm fine, Delia. I'm fine." The defensiveness caught her off guard, but she didn't really have a choice. She had to accept that, even if you'd been acting strangely.

Breakfast that morning went a little strange too. Something didn't sit well with Cordelia, but she couldn't obsess over that. She didn't want to air out your business, even if what happened at breakfast made the knots in her stomach a little worse. It didn't take much for the Supreme's wondering eyes to pick up on the little fact that you weren't eating. She noticed nearly everything. She had a bad feeling in the pit of her stomach, but she wouldn't embarrass you in front of the others. With each meal, she could tell you hadn't been consuming your food and had planned to confront you that night.

You'd been avoiding Delia all day and didn't know how much longer you could get away with it. Things had been going so well with your relationship and the guilt of lying to the girl that you really loved the most, maybe even the only girl you'd ever loved - killed you inside. The anxiety-filled you and sometime after you'd skipped dinner and before bedtime, you'd managed to sneak off to the kitchen. It started with a bagel. Then a piece of cake. That led to candy and baby carrots and chips and whatever you could get your hands on to fill the void. Anything that would help the guilt to subside. Bingeing only backfired, though. Your guilt for lying to Cordelia only turned into guilt over your appearance.

You stood in the bedroom, picking and pulling at your features, reminding yourself of all the parts you hated the most. You had to keep all of this a secret from Cordelia. If she learned what you were insecure about, wouldn't she see you that way too? Your thoughts had no choice but to come to an abrupt stop when she knocked gently and walked in. "I didn't see you in the library. Everything okay?" the Supreme asked. "Oh yeah, I snuck downstairs," you responded casually. "What were you looking for down there?" she questioned. "An apple," you lied. Cordelia didn't believe you but nodded anyway. "Let's go to bed. Sleep with me tonight?" she asked. Cordelia began undressing, feeling your eyes on her as she stood in her lingerie. You suddenly felt sick, thinking of all the food you'd consumed. "Love?" You reluctantly climbed into bed with Cordelia, knowing you needed to act as normal as possible. "I wanted to talk with you about something," Cordelia started to say. You tried to avoid her gaze, but knew you couldn't for long. "I - honey, I saw the stain on the towel, I noticed you wouldn't eat today," she started to say, hoping to word things in a way that wouldn't hurt or offend you. "What do you mean? I ate today," you retorted. "Not with everyone else." You huffed. "What stain?" Cordelia tensed a little. You hated when she did that, knowing that only happened during stressful situations. "The vomit stain on your bathroom towel this morning," she elaborated. "Now I don't want to upset you or accuse you, but I'm worried. I've been worried all day. You don't look good, you don't look like yourself." Unfortunately, your mind only heard 'you don't look good'. You blinked back the hurt tears in your eyes. "Maybe it's none of your business," you mumbled. "Maybe it is my business because I love you and don't want to see you hurting, especially in silence." You swallowed hard. She really didn't get it, did she? "You'd never even understand," you mumbled irritably. Cordelia watched you with concerned eyes. You knew in some way that you were being mean. "And for the record, I know that I don't look good," you muttered. The older witch extended her arm, placing a hand against your own arm. "Why would you say something like that? You always look good." You shrugged Cordelia away roughly, causing a hurt expression to come across the older woman's face. "What wouldn't I understand?" she questioned again. You still didn't want to tell her and wondered if you could get away with dropping the subject. Your gaze dropped to the blanket and a sick feeling settled within you. "God," you thought. All that food sickened you too. "I - I need to go to the bathroom," you suddenly stated. "There's one right here," Delia pointed out. "I mean, I need to go downstairs," you stuttered, standing quickly. With a simple raise of her hand, the Supreme shut and locked the door and tears began to well in your eyes. "What the hell is going on?" Cordelia asked, a little sternly. The worried look in her eyes only intensified with each peculiar statement and action. The tears only accumulated in your eyes, your throat closing up slightly at the entire situation you'd found yourself in. You could feel Cordelia's steady gaze and her watchful and concerned expression watching your own. You noticed your heartbeat thudding in your ears and could feel your blood pulsing through your veins at an alarming rate. You could almost taste the food coming back up your throat and did everything in your power to prevent that from happening. The lightest of touches grazed your hand's back and you knew you couldn't hold it in any longer.

"I - I can't stand myself," you finally admitted aloud. "I can't stand myself," you whispered, anger laced in your tone. You wouldn't dare to even take a quick glance at Cordelia's face. You swallowed hard. "I -" you stammered, your mind fumbling over every thought you had. The tears started to flow to your dismay and it only took mere seconds for Cordelia to wrap an arm around you, pulling you in as close as she possibly could. A swift finger dried a few tears that had managed to trickle down your left cheek. "You can tell me anything," the older witch reassured you. "I am by your side no matter what." You sucked in a deep breath, wishing you could curl up with the woman you loved, instead of having to share something like that. "I - I don't want you to think," you started to explain. "Think what?" she asked. "I don't want you to think that I'm disgusting." Your eyes squeezed shut at what you'd said and you suddenly weren't so sure if you could catch your breath. "Listen, listen to me. I could never, ever think that. You are so beautiful," Cordelia expressed in a very loving yet firm tone. You shut your eyes, allowing your shoulders to shrug away from the older witch. "I don't like my body. I hate my body. I do things sometimes that I think will make it easier, but something I really don't think that anything will work," you admitted, barely above a whisper. "Was that your vomit on the towel?" Cordelia cautiously asked. "Yeah. I - I didn't want you to know I feel this way, I didn't want to risk causing you to realize that I'm - that I'm gross," you said brokenly. Your tone and words shattered Cordelia's heart. How hadn't she figured it out?

"I'm going to need you to listen very carefully to what I have to say, okay?" she asked. You barely nodded. "There isn't anything in this world, nothing that you could tell me that would ever make me believe that you're any of these terrible things you've been painting yourself to be and it breaks my heart that you've been dealing with this alone. I don't see -" she began to say. "See? What do you mean you don't see? Everyone can see it all the time. I hate everything. My arms, my legs, my face, my stomach," you listed off angrily. "How can't you see it?" The older witch set a hand on you tenderly. "And how can't you see how gorgeous you are?" Cordelia asked. "If only I could show you what I see when I look at you," she carefully spoke. "You are the most beautiful person in the world to me. The things you hate, I couldn't love more," she admitted, giving your hand a gentle squeeze. You finally looked to Cordelia. "That's easy for you to say - you've never had to see me naked." Cordelia knew she didn't need to see that to know you were incredibly attractive. "I know your heart - and that tells me everything I've ever needed to know." The thudding in your chest had slowed down substantially until you heard those words. In a split second, you'd placed a hand over the Supreme's jaw, cupping it tenderly as you leaned in - your lips crashing against her own. The kiss surprised Delia, but she wouldn't dare pull away, never from one of your kisses. Cordelia's hand slid up your arm, her fingertips gently trickling up and causing instantaneous goosebumps along your skin. You breathed quickly and subtly as your hold on the older witch tightened. Your tongue slid lovingly against Cordelia's, tasting every inch of her mouth.

When you pulled away to catch your breath, the Supreme peppered kisses against the sensitive skin near your pulse point, hitting every spot to drive you wild. When Cordelia asked if she could take her shirt off, you definitely didn't argue - you encouraged her. Your hands explored the older woman's arms, not being able to detect a single imperfection on her skin. Cordelia's warm breath settled against your ear and the more she nibbled, the more you felt. "Delia," you groaned. "You know what I'd love to do?" she whispered. You had an idea, but you'd never done that with her before - mostly due to your own insecurities. "I would love to spend all the time in the world showing you how much I love you, how much I love your body. How I love the things that keep you alive, how proud I am of your body for knowing what you need and always taking care of you," she whispered into your ear. Her breath against your skin caused your lower stomach to tremble. "I'm scared," you were ashamed to admit. Cordelia lifted her head, brushing her fingertips lightly across your cheek. "You don't have to be scared with me, I love you endlessly."

She'd started at the top, pressing kisses along your hairline, soft and steady. She traveled to your forehead, leaving wet and gentle kisses, pressing air light smooches over your eyelids and whispering sweet nothings about how your eyes work so you can see all the beauty the world has to offer. She pressed a soft kiss to your nose, reminding you of how your nose allows you to smell amazing things - flowers in the greenhouse, bagels in the morning and Cordelia's own perfume. She trailed her way over to each ear, reminding you of all the glorious sounds your ears could hear; music, voices, dogs panting and babies giggling. She nibbled the outer part of both of your ears, pressing gentle kisses and sweet nibbles to the exposed skin. The older witch moved her lips to your cheeks, giving them love as she passed by. You wondered if she could feel the warmth of your growing blush. Cordelia didn't stay for long though, moving on to your chin. That made you a little uneasy - not as much as other places, but with each gentle press of her lips, you could almost feel that insecurity melt away. At least with Cordelia. It didn't surprise you in the slightest when a quick "oops, how could I forget this?" left her mouth and you'd suddenly been granted the best kiss of your life. You could taste every inch of her mouth with your own and it only made you want more. "Think of all the smart, lovely words that have left these lips," she mumbled against your mouth. "Think of all that you do, all you impact. All that you taste; food, water - and me." Kisses trailed down your jawline, each one sending a flutter directly to your heart. She started to pepper kisses down your neck but struggled to gain access to all the space she wanted. You noticed that too and a part of you so badly wanted to let her in. You loved her and you trusted her.

"Are you sure?" she asked once you'd given her the green light. You helped her to remove your shirt, carefully covering the newly revealed skin with a blanket. Now that she had the room, she maneuvered her way down your neck, nipping and kissing and even sucking a little at the exposed skin. Merely tracing her fingertip over your collarbone sent a series of shivers down your spine. It took everything in you to not fold yourself into Cordelia right there and then. Your arms came next. Delia started with your fingers, taking her sweet time with each one, reminding you of all the good things you could do with your hands - even things you hadn't used them for yet. She moved her lips over your veins, tracing each on that led up to your arm. She kissed over the tired skin, reminding you that your arms were strong. They could hold loved ones, carry things, and help you do daily things that people often take for granted. She reminded you that it didn't matter how they looked to you or anyone else - because arms are arms and nothing more or less.

Despite not having full access to it, the older witch managed to straddle your lower half so she could focus on the rest of your body. Her eyes settled on the cleavage she could see from her viewpoint. "You are gorgeous," she breathed. "Is this okay?" she asked, watching you nod before placing one hand strategically to cup your breast. "If you ever have a child, these will help feed them," she pointed out. "They could never be too big or too little - they're perfect just the way they were given to you." Your eyes shut for a moment while Cordelia moved her hand to your chest. "And even though I can't see it and no one can outwardly, this keeps you alive. And each time you go through any trial or tribulation, it keeps beating and the sun always comes up the next morning, doesn't it?" You blinked back the tears in your eyes, nodding slightly. She scooted a tiny bit, allowing herself room to touch your torso. She placed a tiny kiss over your heart, before trailing her fingertips over each of your ribs, feeling the bones underneath your skin. Her hands trailed down your sides, sending shiver after shiver down your spine - tingles everywhere. You grew fearful when her fingers inched closer, even despite all that Cordelia had done, you were still concerned that she wouldn't be so sure about you once she saw all of you. She'd finally reached your stomach, something that made you increasingly nervous. "Breathe," Cordelia reminded you. "I love you. I love every little thing about you - don't worry about a single thing." So you closed your eyes, feeling your love trace her fingers over your body's imperfections. And then her lips, feeling the swarm of butterflies fill your insides with each kiss, raspberry, or make she'd leave upon your tender skin. How loved Cordelia finally made you feel, how comfortable you felt in your own skin.

With a kiss or two underneath your belly button, Cordelia placed a hand on the waistband of your pants. "May I?" she asked. You nodded once, feeling a tingle below your waist and had to bite your lip. She trailed kisses down your stomach and stopped when she reached your underwear. She slid her hands down your legs, feeling the shivers echo through your body. Cordelia placed kisses over your skin, smoothing her lips over any imperfections she felt, soaking each one up in love. Her hands found their way to your thighs, slowly trickling closer and closer. Your lower stomach ached with need, wishing you could pull her into you. She left wet and hot kisses against your inner thighs, causing you to push back against the bed, a soft moan leaving your lips. When Cordelia's hand cupped you and she could physically feel how wet she'd made you, she knew it'd be cruel to make you wait any longer.

"How do you feel?" That was a good question. You felt a lot; loved, accepted, relieved. "I just love you," you chose breathlessly, curling against Cordelia's side. She smoothed out your hair, looking you over in the dark. The older woman closed her eyes, taking solace in the way she could feel your steady breathing. "I would be foolish to expect a little lovemaking to fix all of your problems, but I'd like to remind you that we're in this together. I want to help you through this. What you've been doing isn't safe and I think deep down you know that." You opened your eyes, giving Cordelia an emotional stare. "Okay," you whispered. "I'm going to need you for a long time. I'm going to need you to let me help you. I'm going to need you to be kinder to yourself and I'm sure this is all hard for you. I'm not leaving your side, okay? I know you don't know how to do this on your own." The witch reached over to wipe the tears from your face. "I love you, Delia," you whispered. "And I love you. We're going to get through this together, I promise."


End file.
